“I’m staying with some of the bridesmaids,” I told my mom. “Some of them are single, or they aren’t staying with their boyfriends, or something. Anyway, they’re getting a suite, and they said I’m more than invited to hang out with them!”
Of course not. Of course I’m staying with him. My powers of on-the-spot fabrication still impress me, though.
Nothing slips past my mom, and I’ve learned to preemptively seal my stories with an impenetrable water-tight click. I suspect she knows what really goes on; no one that smart is that blind. It’s just a little dance we do.
“He was the one with the girlfriend. That Helen,” she says. “Ellen,” I correct, but to myself I’m thinking, Really? I mentioned that? I named her out loud, to my mother? Really? “You definitely had a thing for him,” she adds, and I cringe. “I didn’t realize you were still in touch.” (Of course not, mom; I forgot you even knew he existed).
The Japan Man did not come on his road trip. He is, however, in a wedding this weekend up in Pennsylvania, and a bizarre twist of chance conversation found me agreeing to be his date.
“I’ll meet you at the hotel,” he said. “I’ll have a key for you.”
My stomach has been in knots all day. Productivity, it’s fair to say, has not been high.
I’m well aware of all that’s at stake here, and how this story reads. Adopting an objective eye, I want to smack myself. “You’re undoing all of your good work!” I’d cry. “You should have said no! Just practice with me—N-O!” I’d coach. Better yet, “This guy has a toxic hold on you, and if you cave you’re going to mess up the future of your relationships, possibly forever!” I see that. Really, I do. But I feel, too; I feel so much more than logic can justify. This one was different. He was different.
I’m good at writing dismissive f-you-too e-mails, and I’m good at unilaterally severing ties. Writing JAPAN MAN CAN SUCK IT, in all caps, to all of my friends. I’m good at telling myself that it’s over, and moving on.
Thing is, it hasn’t worked. Not really. Not with him. For nearly five years, he’s been in my thoughts, that one hanging “what if” that has veritably haunted everything since. I was naïve and stupid, yes. I loved him in a very real way, though, in that land of once upon a time, and while it sounds cheesy, I really think it’s closure that I’m after. In order to move forward, be it with the smartie PhD or otherwise, this—this japan business—it has to end.
As random as some things seem, I often wonder if they aren’t really just part of a bigger pattern we don’t see. Maybe this has to happen right now. Maybe it’s the only way. Maybe I’m finally in a place where I’m ready to see him and not have my heart go all aflutter like I’m 22 again. Not expect to round the corner and smack into him, off in an airport somewhere, and fall in love all princess-style. Maybe it’s finally ripened and I’m ready to let go; maybe this has to be flushed out with finality to make way for something new, something even bigger. Maybe I’m just cursed.
Hotel key or no, though, he will be swiftly informed of a major policy-shift since our last encounter. I no longer sleep with strangers. Period. (goal 1).
Neither do I drink to the point of poor choices. (goal 2).
And my heart is locked behind a spiked tower, with a moat, and some fierce crocodiles that eat men who come in without first passing a rigorous screening process. (goal 3).
It’s just something that I have to do. I have to know what happens. I have to know who we are.
6 comments
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June 5, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Beauty of Argument
Never fault yourself for needing to know what is true. It’s a risk and a gamble, but without them we get nowhere.
And that’s the great thing about moms. Sometimes they just know we need to tell that lie, and they know better than to question it.
June 5, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Ohmygoshi
go and have a fabulous time and get things sorted out one way or the other! And then rush back and tell us all about it! <3
June 6, 2009 at 3:02 am
Mel
We need details when you get back and I will send you an e-mail that I am not willing to share with the whole world.
June 6, 2009 at 1:45 pm
tiadimo
It is a truth that we are still growing, still learning, still experiencing. Embrace it and let it be what it is. In the end, your friends and family will always be here to support you no matter what comes next.
June 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm
notsojenny
as i was reading this at first i was shocked and surprised, then i thought – closure, and you typed it.
sometimes you just gotta’ do it. sometimes it makes you stronger. facing something head on is a good way to deal with it (though some things are better to run from)
no matter what you’ll figure something out over this trip, whether it’s that you can now move on, or you’re still in love (or something else) with him… there’ll be some sort of realization.
and you’re plenty aware to not be blindsided by whatever it is…
can’t wait to hear the rest!!
June 8, 2009 at 2:50 pm
DanceintheRain
Sometimes saying that you’re over something completely goes out the window when the subject comes up again. I can’t say that you’re crazy for accepting his invitation, because I’ve been in similar situations and done the same thing as you. It’s hard to say no sometimes. I think as long as you went into this with your guard up and know that you don’t want to let any poor decisions occur, perhaps it will be ok. As you said, maybe this will be the closure you need. To finally just get past it once and for all. This, I know, is much easier said than done.